Which way do I go?

It’s Bisexual Awareness week, so what should a unicorn with a blog write about? Her bisexuality, of course.

TakeBackYourSex.com asked me if I wanted to write a post (which will be coming out soon – pun intended). Obviously, I said yes because they’re freaking awesome and I feel honored to be a part of their community.  I stopped to really think about my journey and what it meant for me to be bisexual.

I’ve been a supporter of the LGBTQ community for years. It really didn’t click in my head until this week that I’m actually a part of that community. Identifying sexually with anything different then the norm is complicated. Being bisexual is a whole different kind of complicated from being gay, lesbian, trans or queer. Each has their own issues but there are lots of support groups for gays and lesbians, as well as growing awareness for transgender and queer folk.

Bisexuals aren’t usually included. Generally speaking, straight people exclude them because straight people exclude any one different from the norm. And sadly, the rest of the LGBTQ community tend to exclude bisexuals as well.

In addition, the other LGBTQ groups have a lot of spokespeople that represent them in public. Even the most famous of bisexual stars (Angelina Jolie, Billie Joe Armstrong, Drew Barrymore, etc), don’t really talk that much about their bisexuality nor do reporters really ever question them. Why is that?

There is an underlying expectation that bisexuals are going to pick a team eventually. From the outside, it does look that way when they end up in a committed relationship. It appears that they have “finally decided” to be either gay or straight.

Being in a committed relationship does not change someone’s sexuality.

During the myriad of conversations I had about sex over the years, not once did anyone ever ask me if I liked women, too. People assume I’m straight because I married a man. Even when talking about some of my experiences with women, no one asked if I was still attracted to women. Guess what? I fantasized about being with women my entire marriage.

Of course, now that I’m single and openly talking about my sexuality with my friends I’m getting all kinds of questions and comments.

  • I don’t really see you as a lesbian.
  • It’s just a sex thing, right?
  • Don’t you want to get married again? (always with the assumption that I’ll marry a man)
  • What’s a threesome like?
  • So do you want to have sex with me and my wife?

That last one really gets to me.

I know gay and lesbians get this all the time, too, but why does someone’s sexual preference equate them to wanting to have sex with everyone? When I was married, women did not assume I wanted to have sex with their boyfriends or husbands (well, maybe if they were really hot and everyone would want to). Just because I am attracted to both sexes does not mean I want to have sex with every man and woman I see.

And while I personally do enjoy having sex with more than one person and I don’t have any qualms about it, most bisexuals are monogamous. The majority of people (bisexual, straight, gay, lesbian, queer, trans, or any other term) are monogamous. There is a much larger community that are in non-monogamous relationships than most people realize, but being non-monogamous is not the same as being bisexual, nor is being bisexual automatically mean you want to have sex with more than one person at the same time.

Despite the fact the assumption is correct for me, it’s a stereotype that does a lot of damage to the bisexual community as a whole. It’s almost as damaging as the assumption that bisexuals are cheaters.

Being attracted to someone does not make someone cheat.

Even though I fantasized about women, fantasizing didn’t make me a cheater. Bisexuals are no more cheaters than straight people, or gay, or lesbian, or transgender, or queer folks. Don’t straight married men have sexual fantasies about hot women? Don’t straight married women have sexual fantasies about hot men? Everyone fantasizes. Most fantasies remain fantasies. Otherwise fantasies would be called something else, like predictions.

Cheating happens for lots of reasons: breakdown in communication, avoidance of issues in the relationship, insecurity, anger, etc. Having a sexual identity does not make you a cheater. Having the desire, will, determination, or whatever driving force to cheat makes you a cheater.

Will I ever pick a team?

No. I’m on both teams. And I will always be on both teams. If I ever choose to be in a monogamous relationship again, there is no guarantee that it will be with a man. Although I have never had a relationship with a woman before, it does not mean I won’t ever. I don’t plan on picking a side because I like both men and women. Being a sexual person that is comfortable in her own skin, I know that I want to be fucked by a man and taste a woman’s sweetness… again and again and again!

Unicorn Upshot:

Whichever direction I go in, I know that there are many orgasms in my future.




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