Whether you’re going to have a threesome, swap, group, or sex with an individual, asking some questions ahead of time will make the experience better for everyone involved. Everyone’s situation is different, so when you ask these questions, trust your intuition at the same time. If an answer doesn’t seem right to you, listen to what your inner self is telling you.
When was your last STD test and what were the results?
Remember, the only way to protect yourself against getting a STD is to not have sex. But since you’re here on this website, you probably are going to have sex anyways. While having protected sex with a condom is really safe, we all should know by now that condoms are not fool proof. If you want to perform oral sex without a condom (male or female), then ask your partner(s) when they had their last STD check. Everyone will have a different view of what is an acceptable time frame. Decide what is acceptable for you.
Of course, if you’re going to be asking this question, be prepared to answer it. If you’re in the lifestyle or are going to a group event or party, I suggest you have the results on your phone. It eliminates any questions and shows that you are thinking ahead.
Are condoms required?
Are you on birth control?
I not only owe it to myself, but I owe it to the other people that I’m having sex with on a regular basis to use condoms. But you might find yourself in a situation with some people who don’t want to. Also, some people are allergic or sensitive to latex condoms so asking this ahead of time avoids an awkward conversation in the middle of sex. If someone is really pushing you to have sex without a condom, then you MUST have the conversation with them about what would happen if a pregnancy occurred. We’ve all heard those crazy stories about women getting pregnant after having tubes tied or a man getting a vasectomy. And sadly, condoms break all the time.
What are your hard/soft limits?
As an open-minded sex-positive individual, many people find it odd when I tell them that I don’t like to do certain activities. Mind you, my reasons stem from a tumultuous childhood and I have learned that certain things trigger certain emotions so I try to avoid the acts that cause me to feel uncertain. I do NOT like verbal degradation. If I don’t know you well, I will immediately shut down and everything will come to an end very quickly. Because of this, I’m really aware of the fact that many people have different triggers and situations that they just would rather avoid. People usually have soft and hard limits even if they haven’t even really thought about them.
Soft limits are things that you don’t think you would want to do but maybe have thought about or fantasized about. Under the right situation, you’d be willing to explore them but normally would not want to. Hard limits are things that you don’t ever want to happen due to fears, insecurities, health issues, etc.
Are there any positions that you’d like to try or experience again?
This is my favorite question because it opens up a dialog about all kinds of expectations. You can learn a lot about people by the positions that they find the most appealing. Are they more of a giver or a receiver? Do the positions only give one person pleasure? If the person is part of a couple, do the positions take into consideration the partner’s pleasure? If not, you might want to focus on the other partner.
Expectations murder good sex.
Do you like anal play?
Some people love it, some hate it, others just tolerate it, while some like it sometimes. And then there are those who have been fantasizing about anal but have yet to experience it. Knowing this about your partner(s) ahead of time can avoid some uncomfortable situations. Conversely, being prepared can enhance the experience for those who are wishing for it. If you haven’t discussed anal play ahead of time and you don’t want to stop to discuss it, go slowly. Pay close attention to how the person responds. Nothing ruins the mood faster than an unwanted, non-lubricated finger being jammed up your hole.
Are pictures ok?
Even if you have exchanged hundreds of pictures, don’t assume that taking a photo during a sex act is ok with your partner(s). Always, always, always ask permission. Try to avoid taking pics of faces and identifiable markings such as tattoos whenever possible. Sometimes, photos end up where they shouldn’t despite the best efforts of everyone involved.
Unicorn Upshot: A little bit of communication will lead to a better sexual experience.