NOTE: There are a lot of generalizations in this article. It is meant to be informative, not accusatory. Please don’t be offended if you don’t think or feel a certain way. Sexually speaking up for yourself is a real struggle for many women.
Picture this scenario:
Man #1 is in the grocery store bending down to get something from a lower shelf, meanwhile man #2 bumps him inadvertently with his shopping cart. Man #1 says “Hey, watch where you’re going.” Man #2 says “Didn’t see you there, buddy. Sorry.” They go on their ways.
Now picture this scenario with women:
Woman #1 is in the grocery store bending down to get something when woman #2 bumps her with her shopping cart. Woman #2 immediately says “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there. Are you ok?” Woman #1 says at the exact same time as she’s standing up “Sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you coming.”
Notice the difference? Chances are woman #1 wanted to say “hey, watch where you’re going” and woman #2 probably just wanted to tell the other woman that they didn’t see her. But they didn’t, they said “I’m sorry” instead.
Sorry, not Sorry
Men & Women apologize about the same amount if they feel it’s necessary. But men don’t find it as necessary as women. So why do women apologize so much?
It’s in the Programming
Women, in general, are much more concerned with the feelings of others and trying to maintain harmonious relationships than men. 1 We are literally hard wired to create harmonious, cooperative communities.2 There are so many factors that go into women’s tendency to over-apologize. Obviously, abuse leads to over-apologizing whether that abuse was physical, mental, or sexual abuse. The need to keep the peace and keep others from getting angry leads to girls using the word sorry so much that it becomes a part of who they are. But there are other factors, that lead to the need to apologize.
Childhood
“Children should be seen and not heard,” “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” and (my favorite, not favorite) “sit still and look pretty” are all common phrases we hear as a kid. These and other similar phrases that parents use to keep their kids in order basically teach a child not to speak up.
As children, we are feeling a variety of emotions, usually for the first time and are trying to figure out how to handle those emotions. Being told not to cry or be quiet, leads people to not know how to express themselves. As a girl, being told to sit still and look pretty enforces the belief that a girl is only good for being pretty, and that her opinion does not matter.
Luckily, boys are often encouraged from young ages to speak up and stand up for themselves. While bullying is not good, boys are taught more often than girls that they should defend themselves. Usually first by telling the offender to stop, then if need be by physical action. Girls, sadly are not usually taught these same lessons.
Adults
It is often not until women are well into their adulthood that they finally hear that they should speak up for themselves. By then, the habit of saying sorry so frequently is so entrenched in their daily existence that they probably don’t even notice it.
This was the case for me. It wasn’t until my first “real” job that my indirect boss listened to me complaining (nicely of course) about the conditions of my work station. I apologized for complaining. He told me there was no need to apologize, that my concerns were valid, and that I should ask for the items that would make my job more comfortable. It was such a novel thing, but honestly, no one had ever told me that I have a right to ask for things to make my life better. Instead, I was repeatedly told or it was implied that I needed to sit back and let others have their way. Everything from not taking the last piece of cake to waiting until the children and other grown ups got their food first at large family dinners continued this ingrained habit of not speaking up for myself.
I’m not alone. While other women will not have the same stories as mine, they probably all have similar ones. Or if not themselves, then most of their friends have stories like mine.
Workplace
I was fortunate that the first time I had the backing and was encouraged to stand up for myself was at work. Because the workplace is usually a very skewed environment when it comes to men and women equality. Most industries are run by men and perpetuate some very misogynistic practices. Don’t get me wrong, I love men. I enjoy working with men. Men are half the population and should be equally represented.
But women are the other half and our voices are not usually heard. The constant apologizing is often seen as weak, even though it has nothing to do with weakness but more about circumstances from childhood. More importantly, women often don’t feel comfortable speaking up at work. They don’t want others to think they aren’t a team player, or that they’re demanding. Men, however, will usually speak up. Thus perpetuating the cycle of male dominance in the workplace.
And let’s not forget about sexual harassment in the workplace. I’m not going to go in detail here as I already went over quite a bit in my previous post, #MeToo – Sexual Harassment, but sexual harassment contributes to women not speaking up and apologizing.
So what does saying sorry have to do with sex?
By now you’ve probably noticed a theme. Women are concerned with others and don’t speak up for themselves. The same holds true in the bedroom (or wherever you are having sex). Do you know who it harms the most? Their partners!
If you are so concerned with the feelings of your partner that you are ignoring your own pleasure, you are doing you both a disservice. Your partner wants to please you. Hopefully your partner wants to please you over and over and over. If you don’t speak up and give them feed back, they will probably never figure out exactly what you like.
Have you ever had an amazing orgasm while you were masturbating? Don’t you usually have really good orgasms when you’re masturbating? Do you know why? It’s because you know exactly what feels right. Has your partner given you the same kind of orgasms? If not, it’s your fault. You know what feels good. Your partner is not a mind-reader. They can’t feel what you’re feeling. So you owe it to them to tell them exactly what you need. Maybe they need to give you more pressure, or move to the left, or maybe you’re not exactly sure but know that what they are doing doesn’t feel as good as it should.
Men usually have no issues telling you to speed up, slow down, lick their balls, or stick a finger in their ass. You shouldn’t either.
You deserve to have mind-blowing orgasms as many times as you can in your life. And your partner deserves to feel like a rock star for giving them to you!
Unicorn Upshot:
The squeaky wheel gets the oil. But during sex, the squeaky person gets the best orgasm!
References:
1 Live Science: Study Reveals Why Women Apologize So Much
2 Why Over-Apologizing Is a Bad Thing
http://www.parenting.com/article/things-you-shouldnt-say-to-your-child
https://www.theodysseyonline.com/the-sorry-syndrome
https://www.elitedaily.com/women/sorry-im-sorry-women-need-stop-apologizing-general/643454