What is a threesome really like?

Of all the sex-related questions I get, this is probably the one I hear most (with a close second being: “There’s an ‘A’ spot?”). When it comes to having a threesome, I’ve had some amazing ones and some “meh” ones. Although to be fair, even the meh ones were awesome, it’s just that my bar is really high. A threesome is like dessert. Each dessert is different, but tasty. Some you want to go back for seconds, or thirds. And while some weren’t your favorite, they were still good and glad you at least tried it. The vast majority of my threesomes have been MFF, so most of my references/memories/opinions will be in regards to those types of threesomes, but that’s not to say it’s not true for other variations.

Real-life threesome is not like porn.

This is true for one-on-one sex and it is even more accurate once you start adding in more people. Porn has this thing called editing so you don’t see the transitions from one position to another. In real life, those transitions happen but usually not very gracefully. Elbows and knees have a way of hitting people and the more people in the mix, the more they get in the way. Body parts don’t always bend and move the way you expect them to. There are plenty of websites that tell you what the best positions for threesomes are, but they rarely tell you how to gracefully get into those positions. Expect a few moments of comedy of errors and remember to laugh (at the moment, not the person).

You use a lot more condoms than you think you will.

Unless your threesome is a FFF or you have all shared test results and thoroughly discussed not using protection prior to your threesome, you will use A LOT of condoms. More often than not, threesomes tend to follow the your turn/my turn pattern. This means condom for person A. Switch positions. New condom for person B.  Repeat discarding and putting on new condoms with each new act of coitus. And while it might be tempting to keep the same condom on, please don’t do that. Even just using a condom makes women more susceptible to a yeast infection. Using the same condom on two different women, will more than likely cause one or both of them to get a yeast infection because the flora of each woman’s vagina is different and adding someone else’s bacteria can cause a disruption.

Real life will never be the same as your expectations.

Usually, we go into these with preconceived notions of how it’s going to go down. It will NEVER happen the way you think it will; or at least it never has for me or anyone I’ve talked to about this. When thinking about what your threesome is going to be like, you’re not thinking about how you could feel a little bloated because you had a taco for lunch, and said taco is now giving you gas so you’re extra nervous that you’re going to fart at the wrong time and you are having a hard time getting wet (true story). Or that one of your partners is sweating more than you think is normal and you’re a little worried that they might have a heart attack (another true story).

There was this one couple that I met with regularly and we talked a lot about the things we would do when we’d get together next (sexting is fun and twice as much fun with another person added into the mix). Inevitably, we’d forget what positions we wanted to try because in the heat of the moment you just forget. In the case of the couple, we had such amazing chemistry and they were experienced in the lifestyle so it was always an amazing time with them. The reason we always had an amazing time is that we all just went with the flow. And let me tell you, a free-moving threesome can take you to amazing places if you just go along.

Stage fright happens.

Thinking about a threesome and participating in a threesome are very different. Often, feelings you didn’t know you had get brought up. It’s not the most opportune time and can really throw you for a loop. Maybe you’re a woman and you’ve been fantasizing about kissing a woman, sucking on her nipples, or what she might taste like. But then you’re actually in the moment and you freeze up. Suddenly, that sexy fantasy doesn’t seem so sexy and you’re completely turned off. Or if you’re a guy, you’re actually in the presence of two beautiful women who both want to fuck you and your penis isn’t working the way you want it to; and now that it’s not getting as hard as it normally does, you’re worried and you are completely caught up in your head so that it’s taking even longer to get harder.

There are a gazillion factors that you just can’t imagine ahead of time to prepare yourself. All I can say is drop any expectations you have about yourself or how it’s supposed to go down. If you stop worrying about what you “should” be doing, and focus on what you are actually doing, everything will move along so much better. If you’re worried about something about yourself (gas, being wet, getting hard, etc.), focus on the other two people and forget about yourself for a little while.

Have faith that your hormones will take over when the time is right. If you’re feeling uncomfortable at any point, just stop and talk with your fellow threesomers. There’s a reason the three of you are together at that moment and you might find that by talking with them you relax enough (or adjust your plans) so that you have an amazing night that you will remember forever.

Shit and other things happen.

Our bodies are amazing things. They do amazing things. Some of the things they do are not amazing when they happen during sex. I was recently having sex with a guy and the angle was making me fart. He thought I kept queefing. I really don’t know which is more embarrassing. I’m not the only person that has expelled gas while in an intimate moment. While it doesn’t bother me, I do still have a problem not giggling when someone farts. I’m working on it, though. Gas is not the only thing that happens.

People and things get wet. Excessive sweat, saliva, vaginal lubrication, semen, and of course, female ejaculation. Most women who squirt are aware of it and will prepare the area that you are in to protect surfaces. But even a regular squirter had a first time. Some women squirt small amounts of female ejaculate which is quite manageable. In fact, some women squirt so little that they/you may not even realize that they’ve squirted. Some women squirt large amounts. Be prepared for wetness (and messiness) if you’re with a squirter.

If you’re having anal sex or going to give/receive a prostate massage, guess what? There’s a real possibility that shit will happen. It doesn’t happen as frequently as some might expect, but it does happen. If you’re using your fingers in the anal region, try to keep it to one hand. In my experience, use your non-dominant hand for anal play so your dominant hand will be free for a vagina or two. Please be aware of cross contamination. Yeast infections and bacterial infections are just plain miserable for a woman.

I recommend keeping a couple of large towels, a hand towel, trash can, baby wipes and/or a box of tissues next to the bed (or wherever you are).

It’s not always balanced.

In a perfect threesome scenario, all three individuals have the most amazing experience and everyone feels like they were the star of the show. It doesn’t normally end up that way. It’s hard balancing the needs of three people. Some girls take longer to orgasm than others so it might seem like more attention is being spent on the one who takes longer. And in most cases, the guy waits a long time to come because he wants to make sure that both women are fully satisfied. Remember that thing about expectations? Don’t expect everyone to have equal attention. It just doesn’t happen that way.

Also, inexperienced couples don’t normally know how to include another person without either excluding the primary partner or neglecting the third. If you are planning a threesome (compared to one that happens organically one magical night) with an inexperienced couple/unicorn and you are inexperienced at threesomes, be prepared for there to be an imbalance of attention. Try to focus on both of the other people, rather than yourself. The other two should reciprocate the attention as it’s a natural reaction to return attention received (unless one of them is completely egocentric or narcissistic). If you’re not having as much fun giving attention to others, maybe threesomes aren’t the right fit for you. Everyone needs to be a giver and receiver to have optimum fun.

Jealousy happens, but not always.

I had to stop seeing a couple because of jealousy. Despite being equally attracted to both of them, there was tension between me and the woman. From the moment we met, the guy and I just fell into easy conversations with each other. I understand why she felt jealous. In fact, I had told my best friend on multiple occasions that I didn’t know how she could handle having a threesome with me. I used to be in complete awe of her and her strength. After a long, heartfelt conversation between us, it turned out she had been jealous all along and just never said anything. I DO NOT recommend keeping your mouth shut. Had she said something from the beginning, I would have been much more conscious of how I interacted with her man. We would have avoided a lot of unnecessary emotional distress.

Jealousy is just an effect of insecurity and a natural part of being human. We all have our own insecurities and threesomes can really emphasize them.

Despite my experience with that couple (or more likely because of what I learned from that couple), jealousy actually hasn’t been a problem. I contribute that to the fact that I rarely have an unplanned threesome with a new couple anymore. Asking all of my threesome questions ahead of time frees up mental energy so that we can all just enjoy our time together.